- 1/10 8:00am Kids threw a snowball on Country Club Road. This was a remarkable feat since it hadn't yet snowed this year. In fact it hadn't snowed since Januaary 2004. The culprits probably froze the snowball for a year to tepid to try throwing it before reaching puberty. Sources close to the duo described them as "late bloomers". They reportedly capped the day with a few laughs and a milkshake.
- 1/10 12:41pm A disgruntled employee who harassed his boss at home was contacted by police and told not to call the man's house again. Next time, they said, call his business line.
- 1/10 6:47pm A suspicious solicitor gave himself away by swearing like a gutter punk when asked for ID.
- 1/13 10:16am Teenagers living in a house were reported to police, apparently be being teenagers. Lots of then were in and out of the place at all hours of the day and night, probably up to no good.
- 1/13 11:34am A woman was yelling at cars and pedestrians on A Avenue. She was advised to "keep her thoughts to herself".
- 1/11 7:55pm Demonstrations in the 5800 block were reported to police. Free speech is generally OK but you really have to keep your voice down.
- 1/14 11:29am A tree in Pilkington Park was vandalized, it's branches stripped. Anonymous sources said the vandal thought better of carving "I am an incredible loser" in the tree's trunk, presuming the artwork spoke for itself.
- 1/15 8:50am to 1/16 2:01am Exactly 40 weather-related mishaps were reported during this period. Six involved marooned Tri-Met buses. The rest involved local people trying to drive on the ice. Highlights include sereral off-road adventures; two call reporting car parts (not cars, just parts) in the road; and one front-lawn beef over a damaged fence.
To reiterate, this is exactly as it appeared in the paper.